What I ve remembered from the short non-violent communication workshop that was held on the London Permaculture Festival this year is mainly the set up of the cycle of Event, Feeling, Judgement and Punishment leading to another Event and deeper into the cycle, that is keeping us from finding a solution to our difficulties and communication problems.
It s very interesting to understand the cycle, so i ll try to explain it with a simple example. If I lie to my dad and he finds out, we have an Event that could create conflict. From that Event a Feeling will come, which might be anger. His anger will make him judge me for what i have done; his Judgement: I m his son, how could i lie to him, i am such a coward, i ll never make it in life being a liar, aso. So, from there he ll punish me, maybe not with an intentional Punishment but at least by being angry, letting it out on me, and being very grumpy. He has completed the circle and now it jumps over to me.
His grumpiness and anger create an Event that give me the Feeling of being rubbish, being offended or misunderstood. From there I ll make the Judgement that he s not compassionate or patient with his son. I ll punish him with grumpiness and shame from my side, which again leads to another Event.
It might be interesting for you to use it on a real life situation of yourself.
What does it do for us to know this cycle? If we keep it in mind we can at first analyse conflicts after they happened, see where the problem is and why it doesn t come to an end. We can approach the conflict or the person differently next time. Getting into the habit of consciously analysing situations will make us see the conflict differently while it is happening. We might stop after the Feeling that we get from the Event, stay with our Feeling for a while and deal with it, without judging the person opposite of us and without punishing him/her. We find a solution ourselves and will listen to what he/she wants to say with a clear mind and open heart.