Tag Archives: Conflict

Participation and communication pt. two: the stages of community building

The main reason for communities to break apart is conflict; conflict mostly caused through a lack of communication. When people get together and discover their freedom, they feel like there is new meaning in their collective but also individual lives. They mostly experience some kind of deep harmony. Scott Peck in his book ‘A different drum’ names this the first stage of community building, where we discover and live our similarities and common interests and goals. He calls this stage however ‘pseudo-harmony’ because during the phase of discovering new individual and collective meaning we tend to oversee each other’s vices.

Therefore the stage of ‘pseudo-harmony’ is mostly followed by the second stage, the stage of chaos and conflict. Most of us probably know this from relationships that seem so perfect in the beginning; often only until we start discovering each other’s differences. When conflict arises however, community often falls apart, because peaceful communication based on understanding and compassion is not something we’ve learnt or are acquainted with and therefore fails. This ends up in disappointment, defensive talking, assumptions, accusations which in turn end up in a lot of the early ideals losing their meaning.

So what is it that makes communities succeed when others fail?

According to Peck, the second stage should be followed by a third one: the stage of emptiness, introspection and self-reflection, trying to understand the other side as well as looking for the fault within ourselves. It is here that we realise the dimensions and the depth of the levels on which we have to work together. In conflict resolution, communication and self-observation are put to the test. If self-reflection is not achieved in a way that encourages participation, social sustainability is not achieved. Often parts of a community fall into a false acceptance, letting decisions just happen, not complaining to avoid further conflict; however with parts of the group staying emotionally unsatisfied.

The ideal of equality and the potential of collective wisdom are both lost through a lack of communication. Little communities that were looking to make a change in society end up mirroring that society that they wanted to change; structural hierarchy, authoritarian organisation, majority vote – structures that put one on top of the other and create winners and losers in a system of inequality.

If a couple, group or community reaches over that third stage of emptiness and goes towards an integrated harmony as a forth stage, they have completed the cycle, effectively dealing with conflict and setting up an organisational structure that is free and dynamic enough to be successful, sustainable while engaging every member in participation and fulfilling its up to highest potential. Any day, it might start the cycle anew.

The cycle of violence…

What I ve remembered from the short non-violent communication workshop that was held on the London Permaculture Festival this year is mainly the set up of the cycle of Event, Feeling, Judgement and Punishment leading to another Event and deeper into the cycle, that is keeping us from finding a solution to our difficulties and communication problems.

It s very interesting to understand the cycle, so i ll try to explain it with a simple example. If I lie to my dad and he finds out, we have an Event that could create conflict. From that Event a Feeling will come, which might be anger. His anger will make him judge me for what i have done; his Judgement: I m his son, how could i lie to him, i am such a coward, i ll never make it in life being a liar, aso. So, from there he ll punish me, maybe not with an intentional Punishment but at least by being angry, letting it out on me, and being very grumpy. He has completed the circle and now it jumps over to me.

His grumpiness and anger create an Event that give me the Feeling of being rubbish, being offended or misunderstood. From there I ll make the Judgement that he s not compassionate or patient with his son. I ll punish him with grumpiness and shame from my side, which again leads to another Event.

It might be interesting for you to use it on a real life situation of yourself.

What does it do for us to know this cycle? If we keep it in mind we can at first analyse conflicts after they happened, see where the problem is and why it doesn t come to an end. We can approach the conflict or the person differently next time. Getting into the habit of consciously analysing situations will make us see the conflict differently while it is happening. We might stop after the Feeling that we get from the Event, stay with our Feeling for a while and deal with it, without judging the person opposite of us and without punishing him/her. We find a solution ourselves and will listen to what he/she wants to say with a clear mind and open heart.